fully unraveled

i cried for 12+ hours straight & the spring equinox rebirth

He dropped me off at home after dinner. As soon as my body settled, tears began to flow. The kind that as soon they start you already know- they won’t be stopping anytime soon.

They poured out of me for hours in every possible way- first a slow, steady stream of soft drops of love running down my cheeks.

Next came the snotty, I can’t breathe out of my nose and now my lips are chapped hard and heavy ugly cry of grief.

Followed by the- I’m so exhausted and I just want to drift off into sleep… but my head is pounding, my chest filled with agony, and my cheeks are still soaking wet.

I reach for my phone to check the clock- it’s 1:11am. A cruel joke but affirmation of new beginnings.

A non stop river of uncried tears I’d been holding in for months was now ready to flow.

As the clock pushes 2am, I can no longer stand being in my bedroom. I go downstairs to sprawl out a pillow nest on my king-size floor futon in hopes that it will make me feel more grounded, stabilized.

I’d been fighting the urge to pacify myself with a bong hit for 7 or 8 hours now… an urge I can no longer resist. Thinking the comfort of cannabis will relieve me of the intensity, dry my eyes, and rock me to sleep- I take a pull. Then a few more.

It doesn’t.

Instead it summons the ugly cry again and now I am certain- this is a freight train of tears that cannot be stopped, only felt. Felt all the way through.

I tell my body- I surrender. It’s okay to fully unravel. I hold my heart and let the floor hold me as I whale.

I drift in an out of a restless slumber until the sun comes up. My body so exhausted yet I feel a tiny spark of excitement at the idea of getting up to make my tiramisu iced latte. But before I can even get my arms out from under the covers, they’re back.

Tears begin streaming out of the sides of my still closed eyes. I roll onto my side and just let them until all of a sudden…

I teleport.

WK8 ✨

Back to a cacao ceremony in Monterrey, Mexico, September of 2019. The last time I cried this hard and for this long, completely unable to stop.

The majority of the night I laid curled up in the corner bawling while everyone else danced, including the man I was seeing at the time. Through tear fulled eyes I catch glances of him becoming fully enamored with another woman.

That wasn’t what I was crying about.

I was buried in grief over the man I left back at home in New York only a few months ago. The one I so desperately wanted to choose me, even though he was never meant to.

The ceremony ended but I still couldn’t stop my tears.

I cried the whole drive home from the city into the desert of La Huasteca. I laid in bed that night with tears streaming as I listened to the horses next door neigh and try to lullaby me to sleep with no avail. I cried all night long and well into the morning.

The next morning, my friend sees me sitting on the porch in a swing. The first thing she says- “Wow, you are so radiant!!! Cacao is clearly your medicine.”

The Afterglow. The radiant, glowing, purified version of you after you’ve been completely emotionally ripped apart and washed clean.

I notice myself floating in between that scene from 6 years ago and the present moment, almost unable to distinguish between the two… when clarity drops in.

I wasn’t crying over those men who didn’t fully choose me then, or the eerily similar parallel to the ones who had hurt me now.

I was grieving the death of myself.

My old story, laying it down to die.

I teleport back to the here and now, catch enough of a break in my tears to get up to make my latte.

I bring it back to my pillow nest, wrap myself up in my favorite blanket and hold my coffee close to my chest. I flip on the red light and point it at my face, landing back in my body as I slowly sip. Still it’s only a matter of minutes before my slow, steady stream of tears reappear.

Except I’m not fighting them anymore, I let them flow through me.

They are doing thier job- purifying me, cleansing me, washing me clean.

This time, I know my afterglow is coming.

The rebirth of a more authentic, more radiant me.

Happy Spring Equinox, and happy 36th birthday to me :)

We’ve officially made it out of the dead of winter, we are being reborn, and we watering something new.

✨